The world as it is sets us up for loneliness. One of the costs of racial capital and the system of wage labor that most of us are compelled into is that our lives often revolve around work with very little time or energy for connection beyond what we consume. Our world itself shapes loneliness. This is only exacerbated by social media and the kind of empty connection that it creates. 

Knowing that our world as it is shapes our loneliness doesn’t change our loneliness or its conditions, but it creates space from the all consuming nature of our loneliness. If we understand that there is context to our loneliness, we are often left feeling like we aren’t as wrong or bad as racial capital would like us to think. In other words, understanding the conditions of our loneliness allows us to remove the shame of our loneliness. 

That being said, even inside of an objectively lonely world, we can create belonging and connection in ourselves and amongst each other. The world as it is often has us going outside of ourselves for connection. Connection or belonging isn’t how many social plans you have or how many friends you have, but a feeling that starts within you. Do you belong to yourself?

Belonging to yourself begins with knowing your worth, your value no matter what. What is your offer? Do you know what your contribution is and what you are doing to make good on that contribution? What do you care about and is your life aligned with that. That is the beginning of belonging. 

You get to decide what the connection you need looks like. Other folks might need more or less than you do. That’s ok. Knowing your values and what is right for you will support you to trust your needs. 

Friendship and connection are built from many small moments of reaching out, making requests, and revealing a longing. Don’t give up. People are often busy, stressed, not sure how to engage socially, etc. When you feel unmet in relationship, it’s  probably not about you unless someone tells you explicitly. Keep reaching out. Keep offering support and keep giving it.

That being said, know your standards and boundaries for relationship. What requests do you need to make of the people in your life around fulfilling those standards. For instance, it’s okay to ask someone to text you back or to let them know that it was hurtful when they didn’t offer to reschedule your plans. Someone whose connection is worth it will receive these boundaries as gifts and be curious about them rather than defensive.